I'm the Bad Guy Read online

  “And if I forced the wedding to progress anyway?”

  “I'd probably run away.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I'd rather not die on my honeymoon?”

  The entire table went silent at my admission and they stared at me. Some appeared to be in shock, some in anger, but it was the emperor that held my eye because he was shaking in his seat.

  I'm so dead.

  Figures, I get a second chance at life and I ruin it because of a bad joke.

  Suddenly, and without warning, the emperor burst out laughing so hard I thought he was going to fall out of his chair.

  “He truly is your son, Ulfric!”

  My father seemed to shrink into his chair and appeared to be trying to hide behind his wine glass while the emperor continued to laugh at his expense.

  I looked around the table in confusion until my mom wrapped her arm around my shoulders and pulled me into a hug.

  “I feel like I missed something. Why is he laughing?” I whispered to her.

  “He's laughing because your father said nearly the same thing when the emperor tried to push him together with the emperor's sister. She wasn't the biggest fan of your father, you see.”

  “Oh...”

  “Alright, alright.” The emperor said after he finally calmed down enough to speak properly. “I won't force the issue. However, I ask that you at least consider the idea.”

  “If the princess is fine with it.”

  ...

  “Whatever.” She said after a moment of silence.

  “Perfect! Now, it's been a long day and as I'm slightly drunk, how about we table this discussion for breakfast tomorrow morning?”

  “As you wish.” My father agreed.

  He motioned for my mother and I to stand up and follow him out the door, which I did... After I pushed the chairs back into their places.

  “Thank you for the meal. It was delicious.” I bowed my head to the emperor, then to his wives, then I waved at the princess and quickly moved to catch up with my parents.

  “Where are we going?”

  “I've had a room here since I was a practically a teenager. His Majesty has been kind enough to loan it to us for the night.”

  “Alright.” I replied and silently followed behind him as he expertly navigated the palace and found our room within minutes. The inside looked like a fancy hotel room with candelabras instead of LED lights.

  “Your bed is through here.” He explained as he opened one of the six doors within the room and led me into a large bedroom.

  “Alright. Good night, mother!” she waved at me from the couch in the main room. “Father.”

  “Goodnight.” He shut the door behind him

  I immediately threw off my shoes and collapsed onto the bed.

  I wonder if I'll wake up in my bed tomorrow? Was my last thought before I drifted off to sleep...

  * * *

  Chapter 5: Taking the Test

  * * *

  Mine and the emperor's families were sitting in the dining hall for breakfast early the next morning. The smell of freshly steamed rice, an assortment of perfectly seasoned vegetables, three varieties of grilled fish, and some kind of clear soup that I, unfortunately, couldn't quite identify. Was making my mouth water... An unsightly appearance given my already chubby body, but I didn't really care because I had far more important worries on my mind.

  Like why the princess was currently staring at me like I'd eaten her firstborn or something.

  “What's wrong?” I mouthed.

  She looked away from me after a moment of hesitation and proceeded to devour the last few bites of her food in as many seconds. Then she stood up and asked to be excused.

  The emperor just waved her off and told her to sit back down.

  “But father—”

  “No, I'll not have you delaying us just because you're angry.”

  I noticed the princess glance at me out of the corner of her eye, so I dropped my eyes to my plate and continued to eat silently.

  I heard her huff of annoyance, the sound of her chair sliding back into position, and couldn't stop the smile that tugged at my lips.

  ...

  Honestly, I couldn't help it. I may understand her reasons for not wanting to marry the current me, but it's hard to just get over the crush I had on her when I was younger. Made all the more difficult due to her being... you know... real?

  The anime may have been several years old by the time I was brought here, but that didn't mean I stopped watching it... Although, since I couldn't read Japanese, I had to wait for the translated versions to come out, which meant I was also many volumes behind on content.

  That'll probably come back to bite me in the ass at some point.

  The sound of rustling chairs brought me back to reality and I turned to look at our host, the emperor.

  “Is everyone ready?” He asked while finishing off the last of his tea.

  “Ready for what?”

  “Ready to take the M.P Exam, of course. Did your father not tell you?”

  I shook my head and looked at my father.

  And he was clearly trying to avoid looking in my direction.

  He forgot.

  I sighed internally.

  “I thought the test wasn't for another eight months?”

  The emperor turned to his daughter with a smile on his face and lazily messed up her hair, causing her to swat at him with a scowl on her face.

  “Perks of being the emperor. The test is whenever and wherever I want it to be.”

  “Alright, let's get this over with.” My father sighed as he stood up and gently helped my mother to stand.

  I watched their interaction with what I knew to be a look of confusion on my face.

  My mother winked at me and, with her head turned in such a way that only I could see her face, she mouthed, “Later.”

  I hesitantly nodded my head and chose to shelve that topic for the time being.

  The emperor's three wives broke off from the group after leaving the dining hall and went down a separate hallway... Now that I think about it, I don't think I've ever heard more than one of them speak. I'm sure the emperor was talking to them last night and this morning, but I’ve only ever heard the one speak.

  Weird.

  It took a few minutes, but I eventually noticed that the princess wasn't walking at the front of the group with her father. Looking over my shoulder, I saw her lagging behind everyone with her arms crossed and a frown on her face, so I dropped back and started walking along beside her.

  “What do you want?”

  “Nothing. Just thought you looked a little lonely back here.”

  “Well, I'm not, so if you could leave me alone that would be great.”

  “Are you still mad about last night?”

  “No.”

  “Then why are you pouting?”

  “Am not!”

  “Yeah, you kinda are.”

  “No, I'm kinda not!”

  “Look, I don't know what kind of problem you have with me, but I think your anger's misplaced.”

  “Oh, is that right?”

  “Yeah, I think you're mad because your father tried to push me onto you. But... I turned him down, remember?”

  She looked at me in confusion for several seconds, then it seemed like a lightbulb went off in her head and she rolled her eyes. “That's not it... Idiot.”

  She picked up the pace and easily caught up with the emperor by the time we made it to the entrance hall where several servants were waiting to escort us. The emperor had explained, for my and Kami's benefit, that the M.P.E.E was being held in the city square, which was a two and a half mile walk from the Palace.

  “We're walking?”

  The adults all looked at me as if I were stupid, while Kami just rolled her eyes.

  “Actually, that's not a bad idea. Change of plans everyone, we're walking!”

  “But your majesty, that would make it much more difficult to protect you
.” A youngish looking male soldier protested.

  The emperor pointed over his shoulder at my father and said, “Anyone brazen enough to attack me with the 'Devil of War' at my side wouldn't be intimidated by a hundred of you, soldier. Now, move.”

  “Y-Yes, your majesty!”

  My father waited until we'd left the palace and were walking down the street to mumble just loud enough for us to hear, “I really wish you'd stop propagating that name.”

  “Is it inaccurate?”

  “You know it's not, but it's embarrassing... It makes it sound like I came up with it as a child to sound cool.”

  “And we know how much that would bother you, don't we?” The emperor snarked.

  “We're not children anymore, Gesshin. I've grown up since then.”

  ...

  “I was wondering how long it would take you to drop the 'Your Majesty' crap.”

  “Sorry.”

  “No, you're not, but that's fine. I prefer being called Gesshin to 'Your Majesty' or 'My Lord'. The gods know I have to put up with enough people calling me that without adding you to the list.”

  “If you didn't want anyone to call you 'Your Majesty', then you shouldn't have become emperor.”

  “Why do you think I tried to marry my older sister off to you?”

  ...

  “You dick! That's why you tried to push her onto me, so I would take over your job for you!?”

  Though I couldn't see his face, I could just picture the shit eating grin on his face from the number of curses my father was saying under his breath.

  It wouldn't do to call the emperor the 'rooster-sucking, son of a female dog' out loud, after all.

  We entered the city square to the sight of hundreds, possibly thousands of people milling about while a twelve-foot-wide, six-foot-deep, and five-foot-tall stage was being set up in the center of the square. On top of the stage sat the three testing machines I'd read about in the book written by the arch-mage that were said to test the density, flexibility, and overall capacity of an individual's mana.

  “Currently, only the children of nobles and the most promising apprentices are being tested while the rest of the city being allowed to join in after lunch.” The Emperor explained.

  “How long did this take to set up?” I whispered as I marveled at the signs, banners, and food stalls set up to celebrate the occasion.

  “I've been planning this ever since I caught wind of your father coming to visit.”

  “You've been spying on me again?”

  “Don't take it personally, Ulfric... I spy on everyone.”

  “Dad, I see some of my friends over there. Can I go to them?”

  The Emperor motioned for a pair of soldiers to follow her and nodded his head.

  “Thank you!” She took off at a surprising speed for a girl her size, causing the soldier to have to run in order to keep up with the excited princess.

  “Can I look around too?”

  “As long as you don't leave the square.” My father replied without looking at me.

  I nodded my head in acceptance, though I doubt he noticed, and walked away from the group just in time to avoid the throngs of people swarming to greet the emperor and my father.

  I walked around to the various stalls and took note of the wide range of products on display; One stall was run by a blacksmith and his apprentice, they had numerous swords, axes, shields, daggers, and even a full suite of plate armor for sale. If the first stall was aimed toward soldiers and other melee-oriented people, then the next stall was aimed at mages and was run by someone looking to win a Gandalf cosplay contest; Staves, scrolls, and various robes with minor enchantments on them lined the walls and counter of his stall. However, probably my favorite stall was also the last stall I visited. It was a food stall ran by a nice old lady from back home. She was selling various kebabs, roasts, and vegetables taken directly from the fields that surrounded the Ulvani ancestral home.

  I especially liked how she gave me a free kebab, which I decided to eat on a bench at the back of the crowd so I could partake in the age-old tradition of...People watching.

  “Oh, look, the Ulvani pig found his way to the food. Don't you think you've eaten enough already, pig?”

  I took a bite of my kebab and internally sighed. I'd only been in this body for a little over a day and I'd already run into an anime cliché.

  “Hey, I'm talking to you, pig!”

  I looked over at the group of boys standing beside my bench and took another bite of my kebab, “What do you want?”

  The 'leader' of the group was a short boy around my age with dark blonde hair, dark eyes, and a tan complexion. He wore an expensive looking blue mage robe that covered what I assumed to be even more expensive clothes that daddy bought for him to get him to shut up.

  The other goons, for that's what they were, goons. Stood behind the boy while trying to look appropriately intimidating... They instead looked like a few bulldogs that really needed to take a dump. Their clothes were nice, though not nearly as expensive as the first boy's seemed to be. They were both taller than the de facto 'leader', but the taller dumb looking one, that I will now refer to as 'Thing one', had short black hair and dark eyes, while the shorter goon, now referred to as 'Thing two', had shoulder-length red hair and green eyes.

  “I want to know what you're doing here.”

  “Eating.”

  “Are you dumb as well as fat!? Why are you in Zilren!? Didn't I tell you that if you showed your face around here again, I'd beat you up?”

  I took another bite of my kebab.

  “I don’t know... Who are you again?”

  My question seemed to infuriate the boy as he drew back his fist as if he were going to punch me, but a commotion from the stage interrupted and distracted him long enough for me to stand up and walk away with my kebab intact.

  “Attention everyone! Might I have your attention, please!? Would all examinees come to the front of the stage and get ready for testing!” announced a tall thin man in his late twenties with waist length blonde hair pulled into a ponytail and dark-rimmed glasses resting on the bridge of his nose. He was wearing dark green mage robes and using a six-and-a-half-foot tall staff as a microphone. It was made of incredibly dark wood with a crescent moon at the head. A sparkling blue jewel about the size of a grapefruit floated inside the moon and slightly glowed with magical power.

  I gingerly pushed through the crowd and filed in behind the other noble kids waiting to take their test.

  I looked around for people I'd recognize and noticed Kami was near the front of the line with the girls she'd run off to talk with earlier and the walking cliché, plus things one and two, were in line a few places behind me.

  One by one the noble children walked on stage and placed their hand on the first machine, then the second, then after finishing with the third machine, they were directed to a tent on the back side of the stage. Judging from the gasps of some of the examiners and the crowd close enough to see what was going on, Kami performed exceedingly well... As expected.

  Shortly after... It was my turn. As I took the first few steps onto the stage, I heard snickers coming from the crowd and the children still waiting in line.

  Yes, I know I'm fat. Thanks for making me feel better by watching my ass jiggle, ya perverts.

  Without looking up from the paper in his hand, he asked if I knew what to do.

  “Was I supposed to?”

  More snickers from those close enough to hear.

  The examiner sighed and instructed me to place my hand on the clear, quarter full sphere holding a clear, mana sensitive liquid. The sphere looked to be about twenty-five or thirty inches in diameter, sitting in a bowl on a metallic orange base. He then instructed me to find the 'warm' energy inside of me and push it into the sphere. The machine would do the rest and, depending on how dense your mana is, the liquid inside the sphere should be displaced enough to get an accurate reading.

  I closed my eyes and focused on the od
d warmth I'd been feeling in my chest since I got here...

  Is that it? I wondered. How am I supposed to get it out?

  Try as I might, I couldn't coax out what I thought to be my Mana.

  “Any other tips?”

  “Look, kid. If you can't do it just get off the stage. There is a line behind you, remember?”

  More laughter from the crowd and the sound of a distinct cliché yelling at me.

  ...

  “Is it alright if I try one more time?”

  “Will it make a difference?”

  I shrugged my shoulders and concentrated on the warmth in my chest, that heavy sludge that seemed to be pumping throughout my body whenever I focused on it.

  Come out damn you! I screamed inside my head even as I felt the sludge begin to move towards my hand.

  I expected to hear the crowd snicker again at my failure...

  What I got was absolute silence.

  I opened my eyes to see the mana sensitive liquid pressed against the roof of the sphere in a thin line. I looked at the examiner in shock and jerked my hand away from the sphere, causing the liquid inside to immediately fall back to the bottom.

  ”Did you see that?”

  “It must've been a fluke.”

  “It had to! No way that timid kid could do that!”

  I heard the crowd whisper as if I wasn't standing right here!

  “Next test.”

  “Did I do alright?”

  “Next. Test.”

  Fine, sheesh, no need to get your panties in a bunch.

  The second machine was a smooth flat surface encased in glass with a mana sensitive metal ball about the size of a ping-pong ball sitting in the center of a circle of arches. Each arch had a tiny crystal that would light up in a random order and the objective was to push the ball through as many arches as possible before sixty-seconds were up.

  ...

  I couldn't even move the ball before the sixty-seconds were up. I did somehow manage to leave a large crack in the glass case though, so... that was something, I guess.

  The last machine was by far the largest and was a clear sphere like the first one, only instead of being thirty-inches in diameter, it was six-foot in diameter.